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<title>is it survivors guilt if you can't feel anything? by bitxh</title>
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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26003878">is it survivors guilt if you can't feel anything?</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/bitxh/pseuds/bitxh'>bitxh</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>The Magnus Archives (Podcast)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>But also, Canon Compliant, Character Study, Gen, Hurt No Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, it's a mixed bag ladies, more than anything</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-08-20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-08-19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 02:15:20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,163</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26003878</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/bitxh/pseuds/bitxh</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Basira is left to pick up the pieces of the archives. Jon's in a coma, Martin is doing god knows what with Peter Lukas, Daisy is... Daisy is dead. </p>
<p>Melanie knows the world will end, and soon. It doesn't matter what they do, everything's gone to shit and it will only get worse. She's angry and the only one that doesn't seem to mind is Helen; honestly both of them are just happy to have each other's company.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Basira Hussain &amp; Melanie King, Helen | The Distortion &amp; Melanie King, Melanie King/Helen Richardson</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>8</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Basira</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>I feel like this is a little ooc but the fic did not go in the direction I'd planned and it threw me. I also didn't intentionally write romantic subtext for Melanie and Helen they just have a lot of chemistry.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The archives were always quiet these days. The only thing breaking the heavy silence were the occasional bangs, crashes, and profanities from Melanie.</p>
<p>Basira was coping as well as she could, really she didn’t change her routine much at first. The only major difference was before she had been reading to block out thoughts of concern for Daisy, now it was to block out the grief. </p>
<p>Sometimes she’d hear Melanie kick something and cuss and for a split second she’d think it was Daisy. And then she’d remember.</p>
<p>She went to visit Jon in the hospital exactly once before he woke up. She spent fifteen minutes glaring at him where he laid tangled in a plethora of wires and surrounded by the constant beeping of machinery, before leaving just to sit in the hospital parking lot and stare out of her windshield for the better part of an hour.</p>
<p>Then the emails from Peter Lukas started, and Martin was rarely around anymore, and she had to be the responsible one. </p>
<p>She was always the responsible one, so why shouldn’t she be now? The one time she’d decided to be irresponsible and slip Jon some tapes had led her to this and she would not be making a similar mistake this time.</p>
<p>Melanie was little help with research but she did offer constant protection. It seemed these days she was willing to lash out at anything.</p>
<p>Really it should have been concerning but Basira couldn’t afford to be concerned with anything other than stopping rituals these days. She finally understood Gertrude, and that just made her hate Jon all the more.</p>
<p>Gertrude had been relentless; she was willing to do what needed to be done regardless of what happened to other people. It made her a horrid person, but an incredible archivist. And Basira wasn’t stupid, she knew she wasn’t an archivist, the archivist. But she wasn’t technically a hostage anymore, and she wasn’t going to sit on her hands and wait for Jon to wake up from a coma. There was still things to do and she was the one to get them done.</p>
<p>Helen came to help eventually and then it was the three of them as a unit, and it was the closest thing to a team she’d get and she wasn’t going to let it go to waste. </p>
<p>Lukas continued to refuse to show his face, and Martin was the same. That’s fine; Basira has always been the responsible one because she doesn’t let her emotions get in the way. She figures out what needs to be done and does it. Everyone always says women are overly emotional, but really she can’t remember the last time she felt anything that could count as an emotion. </p>
<p>She still felt things, exhaustion and hunger mostly, but it was enough to confirm she was still human, and she relished in it, in the knowledge that’d she’d survived this place so far and hadn’t let it change her. </p>
<p>So every day was the same; wake up, do what had to be done, make sure Melanie doesn’t kill anything she’s not supposed to, and then sleep when she can.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Melanie and Helen</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Originally was just supposed to be a Melanie chapter but y'all know how Helen and them damn doors are :/</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Nothing is as satisfying as landing a solid hit, the kind where you can feel your target absorb the blow. </p>
<p>These days Melanie measures the time by thinking about the last time that she got in a fight that truly made her feel alive. That left her calm and level headed afterwards. Other than that it was mostly just anger and silence that filled her days.</p>
<p>Martin was gone, Jon was gone, Basira thought of her more as a weapon than a coworker, some prick named Peter Lukas was in charge, and her leg ached. It was all fine.</p>
<p>It’s really hard to feel things besides rage when you’re well and truly pissed off.</p>
<p>So for the most part she was avoided by those in other departments, and Basira only talked to her when she needed something. And it was fine. Really it was better that way, it was so exhausting trying to carry on normal conversation about shit that doesn’t even matter when anger clings to you and weighs you down unless you act on it. </p>
<p>The only one that talked to her without a reason and didn’t care that she was prone to lashing out was Helen. It almost seemed like Helen understood how she felt, and didn’t want to make her change, and that was new. </p>
<p>Helen was always upbeat, not happy necessarily but, she was loud and colorful, and it was a little hard to look directly at. She liked Melanie, and Melanie liked her too. </p>
<p>Helen told her about who she used to be, still is, is currently, and never will be. It was hard to keep track of; she made little sense to herself, and even less to Melanie. But she was there, not always but sometimes; she would come and they would sit against one of the doors that didn’t exist, and just talk, just exist in the same space.</p>
<p>It was nice, it was really nice. It had been so long since Melanie had been able to just sit and talk. When she was with Helen her leg hurt more, but the anger was a little lighter, and she was a little dizzy, but it was nice. It almost reminded her of when she would smoke with her old crew, except now she didn’t have to be careful not to say too much because Helen didn’t care, and sometimes Helen said too much.</p>
<p>It might have been a bad idea to be “friends” with someone who was technically ‘against’ them, but Helen wasn’t really against anyone it seemed, and what did it matter anyways. </p>
<p>The world was probably going to end before she died naturally, so what should anyone care what she does now? </p>
<p>Basira seemed to think she could save everyone if she just kept working, but Melanie was sure that it would end anyways. So why not spend her last days with Helen, however long it would last?</p>
<p>Melanie asked Helen once what would happen to her if the world did end because of an entity that wasn’t The Spiral. Helen told her a lot of things that didn’t make sense but this one time Melanie understood exactly what she meant when she looked at her with the closest expression she could make to sadness and said, “I’m not sure.”</p>
<p>So maybe in the end neither of them would get out of this, whatever this is. Maybe Helen would be trapped inside of herself to wander the corridors that she was made of forever. Maybe Melanie would be trapped in her anger, enveloped in it so she was nothing but a subconscious, no physical body, just pure rage. But right now they were in the archives, leaning against a door that didn’t exist, and they were together, and really there was nothing for now except now.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>i'm running out of ideas for new fics so if you have any please comment and i'll see what i can do!!</p>
        </blockquote><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>sorry for any mistakes, im on like MAG 136 I think but I wanted content for when Jon was in a coma so I made some. also if someone could tell me how to get ao3 to stop deleting my italics i will love you with my entire heart for the rest of my days.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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